So... after thinking long and hard (read: after He-Who-Is-Irksome did not call for two weeks then randomly called with no offer of a plan in mind), I have decided that it is time to explain to He the the following things:
1) I cannot behave as if I'm totally cool with the situation when in reality I'm totally freaked out by the situation (this, I know, is a quote from a TV show.. or maybe a movie? but I can't remember which one);
2) It is not OK to not call for two weeks when the last thing I've heard from you on a thursday night is "yup, I'll call you when I know how the weekend shapes up";
3) sometimes it is just impossible to get past certain feelings - for him, apparently, it's the feeling that for whatever reason, he must always be dating other people that are not me, and for me, it's the feeling that he's not dating me because, even though he vehemently denied it, he's just not that into me -- WHICH IS FINE! Good god - at this point, I would be overjoyed to actually hear those words come out of his mouth (well, no, actually, I'd be sad, because who wants the person they like to not be into them?) just because it would finally be a straight, comprehensible, clear answer -- as it currently stands, I'm so utterly in the dark that I feel like I've fallen down a mine shaft;
and finally, 4) at the present time, I just don't know how to have a friendship with him. Full stop.
So, I called him last night in order to set up a "sit-down" so I could tell him all this to his face -- see, the face-to-face thing is important because I have a feeling that the end result of all of this is him saying "well, that's too bad, sorry you feel that way" and then not talking to me for a year (I can be so precise about this because, surprise surprise, we've already been here before once. Hmm, perhaps that should have been my first clue...), and that's a sucky exchange to have over the phone. (Yes, I just used the [putative] word "sucky" -- hey, if I have the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old, surely I can talk like one too!) So, we have a plan (irony - for the first time ever, there is an actual plan to see each other. And, likely, it'll be the last time I see him. on purpose, anyway.) - for tomorrow. He just called to confirm that we do indeed have a plan for tomorrow. Oddly, although I didn't actually say "We need to get together because we have to talk," he seems to know somehow that this is not a fun "yay let's hang out" meeting. The funny thing is, up until the minute he called, I was feeling good about the plan -- as in, great, finally, there'll be something resembling closure and I can just close the door on this and stop constantly ripping off the band-aid -- but now, I'm just very very sad. so much so that I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. But I really really really DON'T ever want to have to hang out on top of my cellphone for two weeks hoping he'll remember I'm alive -- I've never been that girl, and I don't intend to start now, because it's pathetic. And it's causing me to use an obscene number of italics. And, as anyone who's read "Emily of New Moon" knows, they're evil. (Or was it "Emily Climbs?" anyway. Probably the only person who will get that reference is the college BFF, who doesn't read this because I refuse to tell her the address for the "mysterious" blog -- I know, I'm so mean.)
WHY do boys suck? why? and how do we make it stop?
It's the universal question, and I'm afraid the one I don't have the answer to. I think you've made the right decision though. It's hard to find someone new when you still have an old bf/flame/crush etc. on your mind.
Posted by: LAlawyer | November 02, 2005 at 05:43 PM