Everyone knows the legal profession isn't the easiest one on the world, the one most free of stress and worry and self-doubt, and that one has to expect that getting into it, law being a jealous mistress and all. But there are days where you worry and stress and doubt yourself, and then there are days where you wonder whether the person who rubberstamped your bar exam "pass" was perhaps drinking heavily. while on painkillers. snorting cocaine.
Today was the second kind of day. I was supposed to argue a motion that I had not only researched and written myself, but that had been approved by His Persnicketyness (I say that with love, really!), that all the caselaw supported, and that the judge's clerk had indicated he was primed to grant. Lovely. So I hop in my car, turn up the radio, open the sunroof and have a delightful drive up to the courthouse in the gorgeous day, anticipating a pleasant argument (is that an oxymoron?) and a chance to give a little kick in the pants to my adversary (who I had an extremely unpleasant experience with in a previous case and who I deeply dislike). So. I get there early. I'm prepared. I've gone over our brief, their brief and the relevant cases again, and written a little mini-outline with the key points I want to hit.
We get before Judgie-Poo. He says "Hey, Baby Lawyer, confirm a few points for me." I go over the high points of the argument, with Judgie-Poo nodding along the whole time. Then he goes, "Okay, Adversary, why shouldn't I grant this motion?" Adversary slimes his way to his feet and SOMEHOW (I feel by the use of evil magical powers only associated in recent times with Lord Voldemort) convinces Judgie-Poo that the law doesn't matter, that the equities don't really matter but if they did they weighed in his favor because he's ON CRACK, and assures Judgie-Poo based on his vast experience with this particular type of situation, it's common practice to not give the relief we want but give the relief he wants, even though there are no reported decisions or ANY decisions or ANY formal law, rule, statute, regulation, bylaw, outlaw, inlaw, what have you, saying that [denying our motion] is the right thing to do. Oh, and pointing out that denying our motion basically allowed Judgie-Poo to pass the buck on the underlying issue to another forum.
Judgie-Poo denies our motion. I'm so angry as his one-sentence ruling comes out of his mouth, I'm already on my feet saying "Thank you, Your Honor" before he finishes his last word, and out the door. I haven't been that angry in eons. Not only was the ruling just completely wrong and not in accordance with the law, which always irritates me (WHY do we have precedent if we're not going to follow it people? Why not just call it "Funny Stories We Used to Tell" and not pretend that it means anything?), but oh my god, I lost a motion that was supposed to be a lock. That wasn't even on one of my cases. That was on SSP's case. (Where, given some recent losses in his stuff, I really felt I needed a win to reprove that I'm not a bumbling moron when it comes to oral argument.) But obviously, I am just that bumbling moron. Obviously, to lose a motion the judge want to grant, I must have been doing something fatally fatally wrong. I mean, I know I'm not the quickest thinker when I'm nervous, which is why I tend to write out the points of my argument so they're in front of me, but everything was on my side here. everything. Maybe I'm one of those people who shouldn't be allowed to see a courtroom? Maybe I'm just terrible at the art of oral persuasion? (dirty!! but you know what I mean.) And if I am, how do you get better at it? Or really, how do you even know what you're doing wrong?
And the darkest secret angst of all -- is that I kind of usually think I'm pretty damn smart. I tend to read the transcripts of arguments or what have you, and think how much better I could have made that point. Or how much faster the right cite would have leaped to my tongue (probably because I cheat and layer all the westlaw printouts of cases I cite in front of me during argument, but whatever.) And that's kind of what keeps me going. Yes, I may be in a geographic location I despite, and I may be missing out on all the social life and fun and LIFE that all my other friends are having, and I may have gotten a job out of law school only by the skin of my teeth, but it's ok, because I'm all shiny-smart. But things like today -- they really don't let me think that. Especially when I'm bested by someone from who I have little to no intellectual respect.
It's just incredibly frustrating, and disturbing. Yes, I know it's not the end of the world. I didn't even get yelled at when I got back. (Not that anyone ever yells here, which is part of what I love about it -- not even SSP -- who, actually, despite his name and infrequent smiles, is probably one of the nicest people here. Either that, or he has a doll with my name on it that he sticks pins in on a regular basis as a displacement activity.)
Whatever. Time for much pizza, more beer and some mindless entertainment, remembering happier times, when my only self-doubt stemmed from seeing a girl with bigger hair than me. Ah, the eighties... I loved you so...